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Eddie and Monica Splitsville

From TV Guide:

But the University of Texas student still hopes to patch things up with his girlfriend, although he admits the prognosis looks grim. "Monica and I are currently discussing our future together," he says. "We'll see what happens. I hope things work out for us. If they do, great. If they don't, they don't."


They love me, they really love me: More reader mail!

You are a boil on the ASS OF SOCIETY!  You conducted yourself on this website pitifully.  If the show sucked so bad why were you so worried about the life of the 10 house guest?  Could it be that you have no life of your own?  You live a sick little pathetic life putting others down.  I hate to say it but you would not have lasted at all in the house and you know it.  That is why you totally dogged all them all on this website.  What we do and how we treat others will surely come back on us.  

I'm sorry to hear that you have so much pain in your life to where you had to talk very ill about these houseguest in order to make yourself feel a little bit better.  Eddie conducted himself better with one leg then you could do with two.  He never acted disabled or weak or sick.  The true disability lies in you.  It is those like you who are the true cancer in our world today.  So sad are you.  Filled with negative hope.  

You are truly one whose soul is dead.  You walk in no light and only darkness.  I only hope when this all comes tumbling down that you will be able to then see the light and learn to love yourself.  You have shown true weakness within your soul!  You breed hate and no love.  I'm really sorry that you are a sad human being.


Episode 70 (Friday, Sept 29): They Lived, You Watched, Goodnight

Like a beauty pageant. Second runner up is.....14% Curtis. No surprise there.

Eddie wins, with 59%. Too obvious. The question he has to ask is, was it worth it to lose his leg to get $500,000?

Show me Eddie's cock


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Episode 69 (Thursday, Sept 28): Memories...

  • Josh looks like Jughead. I'd wish they'd shown him vomiting up his guts.

  • Curtis to Josh: "if you didn't have a lock on the gay vote, you have it now": truer words were never spoken

  • Brittany was changing her tampon. Oh my. 

  • Karen: "I'm stuck inside myself, help, help": I don't want to know what that means.


Live Feed: September 28: 11:53pm

Josh is drunk of his ass, BB is playing music, and Josh has stripped down to his underwear and is dancing about with the broom. [Then, apparently, he put an orange in his pants, BB told him to stop drinking, they dyed his hair blue, he passed out on the lawn, and then barfed his guts out several times.] 


Live Feed: September 28: 10:56pm

On the live feed right now, they are all drunk, Eddie is asking Josh how big is your broken dick? And Josh says, come over here and I'll show you.


Which one is gay?

There's been endless speculation about Josh perhaps being gay; Curtis suggested it at least twice in early episodes. There's also been speculation that Curtis is gay, due largely to his prissy ways.

There's a big article by Ted Cassablanca on E Online today, suggesting that one of the guests is gay, though not mentioning him by name. The pictures in the article are all of Eddie, though...

Little did CBS know that one of their comely choices has a sexual past that very well might surprise his or her sofa-chums. Seems one of these trapped cuties has romantic leanings that are quite the opposite of those declared on prime time.

And not only is the network now aware of this fact, so my insiders tell me, the execs are terrified the sexy poop will get out. What fools. Nothing would help this monotonous mishap more. After all, what is a horny hullaballo, if not increased ratings?


Episode 68 (Wednesday, Sept 27): Two dogs gone?

Banishing Jamie and Chiquita the same day was nothing short of vicious. 

For the record: Jamie has a hot fucking body, better by far than Jordan or Brittany. She's not really a bitch, she's not evil, she's just clueless, delusional, and often phony.

  • Poor Julie with those red leather pants

  • George, "Why would anyone be interested in me?": why indeed

  • Dr. Drew is a nutcase, trying to justify his whoredom like that. I'm so "inspired" by those 12 losers, I'm really going to "look at them as an example" for my life. Yup, that's it.

 


Jordan Speaks

Jean Jordan herself wrote a very interesting article over at the sex-less smut rag Nerve.com. Here's a taste:

And Josh was wearing my boyfriend's cologne: the familiar musky scent reminded me of what I missed — being touched, being kissed . . . intimacy. This was how infidelities happened, I knew. So I started analyzing these dynamics out loud, as a way to protect myself from reacting, knowing that these feelings of arousal had more to do with stress than anything else. Laying side by side, the two of us giggled about this attraction we would never act on, joking about how warped the situation was.


Episode 67 (Tuesday, Sept 26): Sweet nostalgia

  • Curtis's obnoxious, uncomfortable laugh is back

  • Poor dull Josh, he didn't realize that Brittany nominated him

  • Phony bitch, she'll have plenty of time to roll dice when she's washed up and working as a Vegas whore

  • Curtis, "Now we have nothing to talk about": uhhhhh...I'm afraid we passed that mark week one


Episode 66 (Monday, Sept 25): Poh-tey-toh, poh-tah-toh

Well, all of America saw Josh's naked trampoline. You can see the full monty here. There's been a lot of debate about Josh's size; he bragged that he was so big that he couldn't manage to penetrate his date during the prom. It's quite clear from today's TV show that he was at least semi-hard during the trampoline episode; that's why he jumped into the pool so quickly, to hide it.

Eddie's smart. He's building up the sob story. It's time to get the sympathy vote. CBS obviously wants him to win, too. Much better press if the one-legged guy wins rather than the lawyer-to-be or the dumb pretty boy.

I've said it before, I'll say it again. No banners, no show.

Looks like we may have another Big Brother coming. Season 2! Good for me, this site is getting more popular every day. But it's more fun to write about anal sex.


Naked Eddie and Josh!

This is too much! I heard about a few cock shots from the live feeds yesterday, but here they are in full living color! Thanks to RayGardner.com for making these pics available.

Josh uncut

Eddie's schlong


Jamie the Muse

Here's a filthy, nasty ditty from JustSucks on the message board:

Goodbye Jamie it's been twice
Take your makeup and your dice
Shove them up your filthy ass
You selfish bitch you have no class
This time you will be the one
Face it now, your time is done
You think that you are going to win
That's where you're wrong, wipe off that grin
As BB watchers we bid you farewell
Goodbye you fake we'll see you in hell!!

Plus and equally dirty limerick:

Jamie's the girl I would shag,
Make her tight ass wiggle-wag,
I'd have so much fun,
And get off a ton,
Then I'd take off her paper bag.


Roles Jamie Might Be Suitable To Play on TV

  • The Big Giant Head on "Third Rock"

  • Chin-derella

  • Infomercial: How to keep your lips shiny

  • Stunt double for Delta Burke

  • Remake of The Two Faces of Eve

  • Monica Lewinski stand in during "cigar scene"

  • Planet of the apes sequel

  • Jenny Craig spokeswoman

  • Dead stripper on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

  • Price is right showcase girl

  • Star of "Jon Benet Ramsey: What Could Have Been"

  • Mentally challenged inmate in prison chick flick

  • Remake of "The Mask"

  • Lead role in 'Chinny Chinny Bang Bang'

  • Startled deer in nature program

  • Miss Piggy: The Muppets Come to Life

  • A Day in the Life of a Drag Queen

  • Movie-of-the-Week on the life of Tammy Faye Baker

  • Jay Leno face double

  • A rat on survivor

  • A new Saturday morning super-heroine: Helium Girl!

  • Movie of the week "The Face That Ate New York"


Episode 65 (Saturday, Sept 23): Bye Bye Jamie, this time for sure

CBS's worst nightmare: everyone is nominated. This will rob all the suspense from the final vote. {Note: everyone says I'm an idiot, since the percentages voting someone off the show won't line up with the percentages voting for someone to win.}

 


Episode 64 (Friday, Sept 22): Kick the Baby

  • Jamie can't imagine Curtis in Playgirl. Ouch. He's still going to get tons of tail when he gets out of the house.

  • Watching Eddie kick that ball was classic. I couldn't have dreamed up a crueler torture.

  • Josh is a mumbling immature fool.

  • When Jamie finds out what a failure the show is, she's going to be one very, very unhappy lip gloss queen. 

  • The sabotage thing is potentially interesting, but it's just not vicious enough. They need to put ex-lax in the food or itching powder in the bed or something. Or better yet, kill a chicken every day.


btw

Top 10 Excuses for Not Having Anal Sex

8:
7:
(All submissions become property of Pretzel Publishing)

2. You're just so big, there's no way it will fit
1. I just ate a burrito

Note: Check out our new site www.sextop10lists.com


Episode 63 (Thursday, Sept 21): Beating Up Jamie

Jamie must have studied linguistics in school. See how she deconstructed and reconstructed the meaning of that airplane banner? She's a genius of obfuscation. No wonder Eddie wants to beat the shit out of her. 

How many days of this true/false game are we going to have to watch? I guess without it, all they would have is five losers staring out the window listening to Eddie singing... But these dimwits don't have a single interesting thing to say about all of these provocative headlines, and they are so delusional they're incapable of getting any of them right. A monkey could do better. Of course, five monkeys in a room would make for better TV.

  • Curtis is going to get so much tail when he gets out of the house, it isn't funny. He has no idea what awaits him. No more talking vaguely about girls he kinda dated. My suggestion for him? Visit this site for some hints and tips.

  • Did you see that shot of Josh's ass bending over? Too much.


Episode 62 (Wednesday, Sept 20): Rockford Files

The irony, of course, is that if his wife had done absolutely nothing, he probably would have won the whole thing. Curtis is looking like a lock...

It's also worth noting that George's life is going to change dramatically. He's a celebrity now. The women will be lining up. Theresa's in trouble... 

CBS's love affair with the banners is just depressing. Without banners, there would be no show. 


Big Brother Sucks Artwork!!!!

Check this out. Amazing BB caricatures sent in by an overly-talented fan with too much time on his hands. I've put them together on the limericks page for your enjoyment. I've even gone back over the submissions and added a bunch more limericks for your reading pleasure.


Nekkid Brittany

Well, Brittany's out of the house, and according to a post on our message board, Brittany claims the nekkid Burning Man pics aren't of her. Here's the first batch, which definitely includes pics of Brittany, but perhaps the nekkid girl isn't her. Someone made the good point that the naked girl is just too tall to be Brittany and that the hair is too long compared to the other pics. There's a guy who claims to have taken the pics, though, and he swears the one with red/gold paint is her.

Also, there is the second batch of pics, which really don't look like her, I don't think.

You all be the judge. It's hard for me to give up faith just yet.


Lying, Hypocritical Fucks

There's a huge article on the official Big Brother site about how the houseguests are breaking rules left and right, forcing CBS to crack down on them. This is one part that really got me:

While Big Brother acknowledged that he can't control the House Guests' interpretations, he maintained that his actions are always in the best interest of the group's welfare.

What about Mega's massage of Eddie? How was that looking out for his welfare, allowing Mega to physically abuse him? 

Not to mention the fact that Big Brother has broken its own rules over and over again, injecting outside influences and information into the show in a futile attempt to make it interesting. 

And the rules change constantly. One week, you have to run inside to flee the planes overhead. The next, plane flights have become the focus of the show, and houseguests call each other outside to view them.

In the article, they scolded Jamie for touching the windows and looking through them. But on Saturday, they did a whole piece on the show showcasing Jamie's antics through the glass. Why didn't the stop her the first time she did it? 

Fact is, there are no rules. Only the foolish whim of CBS. Of course, a show called "Big Brother" should feature arbitrary rules, personal intrusion, and all sorts of random torture. If CBS is going to go that route, they need to just admit it, not pretend to be working in anyone's best interest other than their own.


Episode 61 (Tuesday, Sept 19): Gynophobia

The challenge to figure out if the headlines are true is directly ripping off a new TV show, the title of which escapes me. No surprise, though, how clueless they all are. Absolutely out-of-touch with the world they once lived in.

Apparently though, according to Big Brother, the Brittany nekkid photo(s) is/are real.

That "Ma" tattoo deal is proof positive that George has been pretending to be stupid this whole time. 

Jamie's such a kiss-up.

I'm sure their song will top the charts. 


Episode 60 (Monday, Sept 18): Cuckoo's Nest

One ball in the air at all times? Come on. That's fucking hard. They weren't even close.

Good thing, though, George has finally decided to leave us. Shame he's too dimwitted to blast himself out of the front door. Maybe if we're lucky that'll happen on Wednesday.

I did kinda like watching Jamie hold that stick. So gingerly yet firmly. Girl's got that kung fu grip.

That dog challenge is by far the most interesting thing they've ever done. In fact, the only surprising thing ever to happen on Big Brother. But it's just lame to hide her in the storeroom, that's just like putting the Emmy ticket in the Red Room. 

  • Josh, "The worst thing in life is to not be genuine": A profound statement like that is further proof of his genius-level IQ

  • Jamie, "Can't talk when you're crying either": ummm...half-true at best. Drama queen fool.

  • George, "Maybe I am the most hated man in America": well, dumbfuck you just might be


Episode 59 (Saturday, Sept 16): Bye Bye Jamie

Almost all of the web sites they showed clearly used the Big Brother logo without CBS's permission. Where are the nasty cease-and-desist letters? Not a one, they published the stuff on TV! I guess the logo is public domain now. Bunch of hypocritical bastards.

That Starvivor thing looks a hell of a lot more fun than Big Brother. At least they have actual tasks to do instead of sitting around doing nothing.

  • "My brain is like toast": understatement of the year. At least he was able to figure out that everyone voted for him. Actually, further evidence of the evil genius hypothesis...

  • "Everyone here has a good heart, and are good people": except you...


Episode 58 (Friday, Sept 15): Wipe My Butt

Two straight days of shit talk. Talk about the show going into the toilet. I just hope next week is shower week, focusing on Jordan's greatest shower escapades...

Someone needs to start torturing Jamie; George's torment is getting dull already. Maybe if we dive-bomb her some Pepto Bismol, special heart-shaped tablets with "Jamie" printed on them...

Once again, CBS's attempt to liven things up have failed. They should have said, if you don't do the challenge and give someone three nomination votes, we'll yank out Chiquita's teeth one by one.


Episode 57 (Thursday, Sept 14): Scat Cat

Lip gloss girl needs a chill pill. Damn shame that nekkid pic of her is a fake. They should make her shit in the chicken coop as a punishment for being so annoying. I am expecting escalating Jamie torture going forward. She's just too easy to tweak.

Just treading water until this is all over. No chance whatsoever of anything interesting happening, unless George finally digs all the way to China. They'll probably show that on Friday, blubbering fool digging up the garden looking for money. I really believe the freak is cracking up. It'd take real skill to just pretend to be that absolutely insane.


Episode 56 (Wednesday, Sept 13): Poor Jamie

America hates women. And they don't like blacks much either. 

I'm sure that Jamie's friends, trying to support the lip gloss queen, must be jealous as hell of  Cassandra's compadres. 

No banner for us. CBS ruined it for everyone. Bastards. The best would be to dive-bomb fliers... could you imagine our limericks floating down on the pets? Good thing they all read this site once they get out of the house.

Cassandra needs to spend less time at the UN, though. Calling one-on-one discussion "bilateral" is just weird.


Episode 55 (Tuesday, Sept 12): Deja Vu

Blah blah blah... Jamie is a fame-hungry two-faced phony.

Blah blah blah... George's a blubbering fool.

Blah blah blah... Josh is a dumbfuck.

Blah blah blah... Eddie isn't stupid, just obnoxious.

Blah blah blah... Curtis looks good in a tux.

Blah blah blah... Cassandra has nice boobies.


Episode 54 (Monday, Sept 11): Leadership Potential

If George weren't such a blubbering idiot, tonight's episode might have been compelling. But listening to five dimwits go along with the King of Dimwits is just grating. Nothing but delusions of grandeur mixed with exceptionally poor reasoning skills. 

Well, at least, something is happening, you might argue. But none of this would have happened without the outside influences. I'll say it again, the Big Brother "experiment" is a dismal failure; what goes on in the house isn't enough to make an interesting show. Without banners flying overhead, the megaphone lady, and direct contact from people outside the house, there's no show whatsoever. Now, they have a contrived, self-contradictory fiasco. Just great.

They've built such tension, though, ending the show tonight where they did. I wonder if they'll walk out!?!?! The least the houseguests could have done is drag it out until Wednesday, create some real suspense. But of course, CBS got nervous and they talked them out of leaving that very day. No guts, no glory. 

Note: you can also read Miss-Behaviour's episode summary on our message board.

  • Josh: "the biggest statement a group of humans could ever make" [did I catch that correctly?]


Episode 53 (Saturday, Sept 8): Scooby Snacks

The dog obstacle course is a metaphor for the whole show. You see, the plan with the show was to put a reward at the end of the time in the house ($500,000, $100,000 and $50,000 prizes). In return the circus animals would do as told, creating interesting-to-watch television. There might be some prodding along the way, but on the whole, they would accomplish the task on their own.

The same was expected with the dog. Some guidance, a reward at the end, and the dog would run through the obstacle course. However, that was way beyond the dog's capabilities (not to mention the time they had to train him). So they resorted to careful instructions, direct coaxing and immediate rewards to get it to sort-of run the course.

CBS too has failed with the laissez-faire approach. So, they've tried to liven things up with scripting, direct coaxing, outside influences, and immediate rewards. However, the housepets are even less trainable (more dimwitted) than the dog. They can't do anything right, and we're left with the dullest program on TV.

Bottom line: the only interesting stuff happens when they interact with the outside world. That is proof of the abject failure of the Big Brother "experiment".


Houseguests walking out

Update: 11:15pm, Saturday: Looks like CBS has talked the houseguests out of leaving; Eddie and Jamie have decided not to go. What a bunch of wimps. They can't do anything right, not even stupid self-destructive shit.

There is also the theory that the whole walkout is a fake. I don't believe this; I've been watching the live feeds, including Eddie alone in the bedroom talking to himself. If in fact it is fake, then he is one hell of an actor.

[Apparently, Josh told George about what Brittany told him, that George's wife was engineering George's eventual victory. This has led them all to agree to walk out on Wednesday. Read Joker's Live Transcripts for the latest updates.

Quite an extraordinary turn of events.]


Episode 51 (Thursday, Sept 7): Dumb Pets One and All

Like I said, the dog challenge is a fun idea, but the dog has no chance of succeeding. It's like everything on the show. CBS just has no conception of reality, so they can't create challenges that end up being of any interest. Nothing but anticlimax. 

At least the $50K had a chance of working, but they only went that high after the rest of the world made it clear to them that $10K/ $20K wasn't even close to enough to get the job done. Of course, the $50,000 wasn't a challenge, it was a desperate bribe. There's a subtle but important difference. It actually works as a challenge, shedding light on the houseguests and providing a topic for discussion, and a "what would I do" feeling for the audience. But CBS didn't have that plan; they were just trying to get one of the dullards out of the house.

  • Josh is so immature. This is how a genius handles things? If you have a secret, you keep your mouth shut. You don't tell everyone you have a secret.

  • To state the obvious: Jamie sure does wear a lot of make-up. I think she's wearing more now since Karen/Brittany aren't around to ridicule her for it.


Episode 50 (Wednesday, Sept 6): Desperation Hour

God, listen to Julie read those lines, begging one of them to take the $50,000. [Yes, CBS must have been reading this site and realized that $20,000 wasn't going to be enough.] She's trying so desperately to convince them to take it, the good mouthpiece that she is... 

Cassandra and Curtis probably should have taken the money; after all, neither has a real chance of getting more than $50K, and both will probably end up with less. However, they also don't need the money. So why bother? Better to have your pride.

Anyway, the real money is in promotion deals, etc. after the show. The longer you stay on the show, the more likely you are to make the big money after. Damn shame the show's such a wash-out, they aren't likely to have a lot of opportunities. Except for Jamie, she can always pose for Hustler.

I guess Karen loves our site. Shame she didn't say the URL on TV...


Episode 49 (Tuesday, Sept 5): Josh the Misunderstood Genius

There's so little going on in the house, CBS has resorted to showing video tapes to entertain the houseguests. Unbelievable. Plus, they have the silly dream of someone taking $20,000 so they can bring in fresh blood. Not going to happen. It's just no enough money. Taking it would be simply stupid.

Josh is an enigma. So intelligent, yet, even though we've watched him for countless hours, he never showed any signs whatsoever of this intelligence. Never a clever or interesting comment, never a sign of deep understanding, not even a glimmer of anything. Go figure.

Cassandra sure duped them with that audition tape. Even if they get a pass on her, since she isn't living up to her potential, there's no excuse for Curtis and Jamie and Josh. Those are now, and have always been, dullards.


Episode 48 (Monday, Sept 4): Cabin fever

Eddie's shattering psyche sure does make for good TV. Unfortunately, I know that it's only CBS manipulating things to make it seem like he's breaking up. Anyway, the rest of the group is determined to keep their cool, and that won't change, no matter what Eddie does. He is the next out, though. He's starting to get on people's nerves.

You know you're in trouble when the most interesting part of the show is when outsiders play pranks...

I can't get over their raising the prize for leaving the house to $20,000. I guess they read this site. That still probably won't be enough to get anyone to leave. Eddie is the only one who might take it, and he wouldn't go so low. $30,000 is probably the threshold... [note, be sure to read the article in the NY Times concerning this]

  • George likes candy

  • That's a fun challenge they dreamed up, shame there's no chance of them succeeding at it. They should penalize failure by forcing them to roast and eat the dog 


Suggested Tortures

Cover the red room with pictures of the guy George killed and lock him in there for a couple of hours. - Tuttle

Give the pets a computer monitor which shows them a regular update of America's votes for banishment. Then offer them challenges where the winner gets to transfer half of his or her votes to the tally of another pet of the winner's choosing. - bammbamm

Prohibit all forms of communication, all physical contact and the uttering of any sound. Every violation, whether intentional or inadvertent, reduces the prize fund by $20,000. The challenge ends when Brittany's head explodes. The winner (i.e., the gerbil with the fewest violations) is exempted from participating in the clean-up. - Stephen

...after some mindless game BB comes up with, all the HG's must amputate the losers' left leg (w/no sedatives).  Eddie is then put to sleep, while the rest of the HG's scramble to attach the loser's leg to Eddie. - jptm

For Eddie: cover house with roller skates - Tuttle

Have EVERYONE (including JC, Jamie and her chin) NOT wear make-up and have them wear identical uniforms for one week and let's see if they can show their true identity! - Tagmar


Episode 47 (Saturday, Sept 2): Cross-dresser's regret

These people have nothing to do all day long and they can't even finish a stupid jigsaw puzzle.

They also have strange peeing habits.

What is the point of this true/false thing if all the things are true? So stupid. But it was so fascinating to see them arguing about the scoring of this incredibly dull and stupid game. I can't imagine what it must be like to edit this show, going through endless hours of boring video and ending up with content this devoid of interest.

I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight, worried whether Jamie will be dethroned as Miss Washington.

I'm sure Curtis appreciated being told by Jamie that he makes a pretty woman.

Jamie is in denial about kiss-sluttish ways.


Episode 46 (Friday, Sept 1): Holding pattern

This is the theatre of the absurd. 6 people sitting around doing absolutely nothing, talking about nothing, and waiting for nothing. CBS's lame attempts to create drama or interest fail one after another. The $10,000 prize for walking out is just silly. We know that no one will take it, so where's the suspense? It's like the "mystery prize" for watching the red room nominations; we knew that they wouldn't go for it, so there was no tension.

What's amazing is that we're going to get 6 days a week for this for the next month. CBS would be better off showing reruns of Murder She Wrote. Better ratings and, even if you cut the sound out, it'd be more interesting.

One thing's for sure, though, this is reality TV. Life is just like this. Long periods of nothing much going on. Of course, that's why people watch TV, for interest and excitement, not to watch 6 people essentially act as if they are in an old age home.


Episode 45 (Thursday, August 31): Time dysphoria

Last night we watched Brittany leave the house. Tonight we see her whining about her hard-working 'tude and playing football. Whatever happened to continuity? They should have started with the "private moment" between her and Josh, then immediately gone to the aftermath. 

Hard to blame them too much, though. Though annoying, Brittany was the only dramatic person left in the house. There's no way to create anything with dullards that remain  Cheesy mood music isn't going to help any. Except for Eddie talking to himself. That's must-see TV.

  • I'm moved by George's competitive spirit

  • Eddie's strategic thinking is so compelling to follow

CBS never revealed the vote totals on yesterday. Some say they didn't want to show just how much power George's family has. Here are the numbers, according to a post on our message boards:

Brittany - 34%
Cassandra - 20%
George - 17%
Eddie - 13%
Curtis - 9%
Josh - 6%


Episode 44 (Wednesday, August 30): Bye bye Brittany

Like I've been saying for weeks, there's absolutely nothing going on in the house, but there's still a month left of the show. CBS will just keep trying this and that to generate interest, trying to create watchable characters who just aren't there.

This pro-George movement is by far the most interesting wrinkle in the show so far. Maybe CBS can use it to generate some conflict in the house, but it will always be under the surface. Everyone in there is just too controlled and too determined to keep their cool. The simple fact is, CBS didn't choose enough likable unstable people. All the unstable people they chose were just unbearable to watch.

  • Whoah. Dr. Drew really took it to George. Of course, Dr. Drew is just a CBS whore, it's obvious they are engineering George's ouster.

  • AOL only has 100,000 postings? Our message board  has 7,925, and that doesn't even count postings on the old board... 

We have a new feature, reader-submitted episode summaries. Be careful if you want to submit these, because I probably won't use them. However, check out the latest from Miss_Behaviour

And, what you've all been waiting for, more tortures:

Have Brittany and Curtis strip in front of Josh, turn around and bend over. Enjoy the agony of Josh's indecision. - gsh

Have them view this website Clockwork Orange style, strapped in eye-opening contraptions as they read one limerick after another. - reese

Cancel the show and NOT tell them. - skippy

Feed Chiquita and George a heavy Mexican meal and then lock both of them, along with the six other houseguests in the women's bedroom for at least 12 hours. - Singer

Link them all together with 5ft lengths of rope for a week. See which one bolts first. -Linda


Episode 43 (Tuesday, August 29): Can't we all just get along

CBS needs to visit this site and read our suggested tortures. These silly little games just won't do the trick. There's never going to be any sex. All of the interesting/irritating cast members are gone. The challenges are dull to watch and the scripted plays are boring as well.  

The best thing to do would be to change the voting order. Let the audience pick the two candidates for banishment and then force the cast to vote one of those two people off. That way, we might get some alliances or back-stabbing action. Otherwise, there's just no hope. That is, unless they adopt our torture tactics (see below).


Episode 42 (Monday, August 28): Wake me when it's over

The only solution for CBS now is to scrap the show entirely; it's run its course. There's no conflict, there's nothing interesting, there's just nothing worth watching whatsoever. If they'd only start really torturing the pets, though, they could save this dog. Here's a few experiments they might try to spice things up:

  • Make them ALL dance for several days straight. If anyone stops dancing, make the punishment be no food whatsoever for a week for everyone. EXCEPT, of course, the person who stopped dancing first, and one person he/she chooses, would dine like kings.

  • Instead of a beauty contest, do the kinds of contests you see on Japanese TV. For instance, how long they can sit in freezing water, or how long they can bear to be covered in maggots. The winner, and one person he chooses, won't have "BIG BROTHER" tattooed on their asses; all the others will.

  • Allow them only to eat food that Chiquita kills.

Alas, though CBS is willing to let Mega physically assault Eddie, they don't have the guts to do anything that might create interest in the show. Oh well. At least it will all be over soon.

You too can submit your suggested torture, I will post the best ones here. Be brief:


Karen Speaks!

I was away, so I missed this amazing article in the Indianapolis Star. Here are some of the juicy parts:

In a telephone interview Monday from New York, Fowler sounded no less stressed. She said she'll be moving from Columbus, Ind., where her on-air discussions of a marriage she called loveless have made her a pariah....

But what she's read in Indiana newspapers and heard from her children and friends about the reaction in Columbus has been a shock.

"I'm catching flak from people that I guess I thought would support me," she said. "It's so funny, because everybody's hometowns are supporting them. Everybody's home states are supporting them. And because I said my marriage was in trouble, all of a sudden I'm the worst person in the world.

"And I'm not. I'm a nurturing person, I'm a compassionate person, and I have fought to keep some sort of balance in my life as a mother. Because of that, I have been bashed by my home state. And I am hurt greatly."


Episode 36 (Friday, August 18): Self-referential crap

Like I said, from now on the cast won't be producing enough conflict among themselves, so the conflict is going to have to be generated by Big Brother one way or another. Now, this is an incredible opportunity; clever torture tactics could really turn this into a fascinating experiment. I just don't think that CBS is up to it, creating enough pain to make the pets squeal.

The "why I hate you" silliness is a perfect example. These people don't really hate each other, and even if they do, they are determined to keep peace in the house. So they're just not going to say anything really hurtful. And then they turn around and do "why I love you". What kind of wimpy crap is that?

  • Eddie's kinda funny with all that Brittany taunting. He's going to get himself voted out, though, PDQ.


Episode 35 (Thursday, August 17): Stupid little girl

Karen residue is still around, but soon we should be free of her putrid influence. Right now, though, the gossipy backstabbing bitch is still causing trouble. Of course, that just means that the show is winding down. America will always move towards harmony. The most disruptive people will be voted out, making the show ever more dull. Eddie and Brittany will be the next two banished.

Jamie is some duplicitous chick. I love it. You don't get to be Queen of Washington by playing nice, after all.

  • Jamie is sitting there, thinking she got over this nonsense in junior high school. but realizing that if she wants $500K she'd better pretend to care

  • Brittany, "I feel like I'll never learn": that's right, you are absolutely beyond help

  • Cassandra is so relieved that Karen is gone. Now if she could just get rid of Brittany, she'd really be enjoying herself

  • Jamie, "I know she's [Karen] quick to say bad things about people"; what could be a more damning statement

And, two excellent limericks, one in honor of Karen's departure, and one to celebrate the blubbering idiot:

Karen we simply deplore
Her monstrous gums bleeding and sore
From so much nicotine
This two-faced bitch queen
Will soon be kicked out of the door!
-Grendel

There once was a baby talking fool
Who thought that it would be cool
To color his hair
'An stuff like dat dere'
And prance around like a big bloated tool
-Orenthal


Episode 34 (Wednesday, August 16): Ding, dong, the bitch is gone

Thank goodness, it's finally over.

I can't believe, though, the spin they're putting on Karen's departure. First the bitch goes into hysterics, lashing out at everyone with false accusation and and racist vitriol. Then, after realizing that she'll be voted off, she decides, in a classic sour grapes move, that she doesn't want to be in the house anyway. And we're supposed to go along with this woman's self-delusion? 

At least they showed a montage of Karen's greatest bitch hits. And at least she realizes she is harsh and crude.

What a failure that mystery prize was. If the cast doesn't know what it is, how are they going to sacrifice and endure seeing the red room confession? It makes no sense. And there's no tension for the viewers, since we don't know what it is either. 

  • Cassandra's gotta stop with that nervous tick of picking her nose

  • See how Karen's husband walks funny? That happens when you get your balls cut off.


Episode 33 (Tuesday, August 15): Scripted dullness

CBS has dropped all pretensions of having a spontaneous "reality" show. All we're going to get going forward are scripted activities. Especially now that the three most volatile people have been banished (Karen's fate has long been decided), there's not even the potential for anything interesting happening. 

That is, unless they can generate conflict. And that's what they're starting to do. The Roast went way over the line; they didn't broadcast the joke about Cassandra's reclaimed virginity which sent her into tears. 

Don't get me wrong, I think the show would be much more interesting if Big Brother tortured the houseguests. I just don't think America will stand for that. 

  • Whoa. Brittany was sure showing a lot of booby. Quite a tan line there.

  • Curtis also seems to appreciate them a great deal. That boy's trying to turn on the charm.

  • Karen's surprised that Eddie is being nasty to her. You'd think that, after 44 years of being a bitch, she'd be used to it by now.

Here's a random Brittany limerick:

Oh my God!! It's a puppy to cuddle!!!
Said Brit'ny (she's ever so subtle)
to the love bed they soared
where the two of them snored
until Brittany woke up in a puddle.


Episode 32 (Monday, August 14): George good, Karen bad

The way they cut today's show, there's no question CBS is preparing the way for Karen's departure; the voting so far has surely been decisive. After all, George, the chosen one, hath spoken:  "With Karen, her reaction under that situation [being nominated] was not very good." And, if the most lovable person on earth hates you, you can't be any good.

With Will and Jordan gone and Josh moping in the corner, there's just nothing left for CBS to show except for an endless parade of scenes showing what a great goofy guy George is. Their only other option is to show Karen's utter insanity, but if they did that, they'd frighten America so much they'd need to shut the show down entirely.

This comment by Karen pretty much sums things up: "At 43 you start realizing that right and wrong isn't the only answer."


Karen's Racist Comment

There has been a lot of discussion on the message board about Karen's supposed statement that she "doesn't want to play with spades any more". CBS is being surprisingly up-front about this; you can go to the official BB page and see for yourself Here is my transcription:

Karen: That's the terrible thing, I know exactly who voted for me, so it makes it even worse. [hard to hear, maybe "cuz I know who it is"]
Brittany: Wanna play a hand of spades with a dummy hand?
Karen: Sure, I'd love it. Thank you.
Brittany: OK, let's play spades
Karen: I'm not playing with spades any more.

Judging by the entire context, it's clear that her final comment did not refer to the card game. After all, just a few seconds before making the comment, she seemed excited about playing the card game. Why would she turn around and make a negative comment about it?

Karen was obviously making a racist pun relating to Cassandra.

The bitch needs to go. Call 1-900-740-1000 and vote her out.

The dog's farts are more pleasant than what comes out of her mouth.


Insane Bitch: Friday, August 11, 11:45 am

I'm watching the live feed right now, Brittany is trying to explain to Karen that acting liking an insane vindictive bitch in front of a national audience might not be such a good idea.

btw, I just posted more Karen limericks  


Episode 30 (Thursday, August 10): Karen the kiss whore

Note to self: don't eat while watching the show. Karen might start talking about her deep desire to French kiss, and you won't be able to keep down your food.

Today I also learned what a 34 year-old man will put up with to get blown by a 22 year-old girl.

All of this incessant sex talk, though, is getting real dull real fast. The people like Jamie who actually have hot kinky sex don't talk about it, while the Virgin and the Bitch and the Fake Orgasm Giver can't talk about anything else.

It's still fun watching Karen being tortured, but that too will lose its appeal. She better be voted off. [Yes, that's a fucking threat, all of you freeloaders reading this site every day and you haven't yet voted to boot Karen off you ungrateful shits. So get on the phone and do your duty: 1-900-740-1000 ]

  • Damn, Brittany has issues. I can't wait for her line of chastity belts. Free pubic hair dye with every purchase. 

  • Curtis will be a good presidential candidate. He knows how to keep his mouth shut ahead of time, before he's done anything wrong.


Karen's Son Speaks!

So, here we have an email from someone who claims to be Karen's son Jeremy! [Note: We have good reason to believe that this letter is authentic.] This is the third family member we've heard from so far. Let's share his pain: 

Well, I don't think I have ever heard people speak about my mom in such a way. My father told me of this website, and I decided to check it out and read all of the lewd things which were supposedly discussed on here. I'm interested in knowing the name of the person whom gave you such misguided information on our family as mentioned near the bottom of your page. 

Just thought I'd straighten it out for you. Nathan (my brother) AND Ashley (my sister) have both been living with my parents for the last year. My brother is leaving for college this next month. When I was at school I still saw my mom twice a week, which is on the average, more than many college students. When I was at home on these occasions, at least three of her kids would join her on the back porch or by the pool and play cards and just chat. As for my little sister, she and my mom have always been inseparable. 

There is no ill communication in our family, there are no secrets we don't know about, and what we have seen and heard from our mom has not left a bad taste in our mouths. The fact is, everyone has family problems (and I'm talking about the really serious ones) somewhere in their past; and to judge my mom for being open about these issues is, in my opinion, somewhat hypocritical. I hope this letter does not offend, because it was not meant to. I would just like to see a little less effort in creating a comic effect in your web page, and a little more time in at least getting the facts straight; because the truth is, nothing my mom says or does on the show could "hurt" us. What will hurt us is how you "people" put it into print.

Jeremy (son of Karen)


Episode 29 (Wednesday, August 9): Your vote counts!

Now more than ever, your vote counts. Karen must must must go. Big Brother may suck, but with with that bitch around, it's absolutely unbearable. So call 1-900-740-1000 and vote her off. Remember, once she's off, she has nothing to do all day but watch the live feed and post on our message board. So call now and let's send the bitch packing.

  • Cassandra is absolutely, positively fed up

  • Jordan was right; CBS wants the blubbering idiot to win. I wonder if the CBS execs realize what an evil genius he is? Or are they being duped too?

  • Dr. Drew think they are going to kill each other over that dog. Like any new toy, they'll be tired of it within the week, if not sooner. I just can't wait to see how many chickens he eats.


Episode 28 (Tuesday, August 8): Boring scripted shit

What a fool I am. I was beside myself with worry over Karen's wit, and now I learn that the whole roast was scripted. So, pretty much, she's as witless of a bitch as I had originally thought. 

Today, we get the most obnoxious display of worthless television I've ever seen. If CBS wanted six nights a week of interesting television, they shouldn't have picked such dullards. Giving them an inane script to perform isn't going to help anything. And watching Cassandra complain about the script isn't real-life drama, it's self-referential nonsense. The best analogy is eating your own vomit.

My feeling on that almost approaches my revulsion over listening to Karen read her letters from home. The drama of Big Brother revolves around there not being any contact with the outside world. If you take that away, you take away the key tension that is supposed to keep the show interesting. CBS is doing just that.


Jordan on Letterman

Just watched Jordan on David Letterman's show. Sharp and fun and cute and witty... What was America thinking?

She repeated the charge that, about 3 days before banishment, the producers called her into the Red Room and tried to manipulate her into dancing on camera.  She also predicted that either George or Cassandra will win in the end.


Episode 27 (Monday, August 7): Nine incher

As I said before, CBS is determined to interject sex into this show, even if it's just going to be just talk from this point forward. This time, they did a tried-and-true Real World move of planting a sexy board game for everyone to play. How clever and fun! Maybe next they'll force everyone to play truth or dare.

My heart goes out to Karen. She leaves her daughter alone with a supposedly vicious, abusive man, and now she is suffering through pangs of guilt. Either her husband isn't as bad as she paints him, or she is the world's worst, most negligent mother. She can't have it both ways.

  • Karen made another excellent joke, about cooking. During the roast, she said "I thought you [Jordan] was a pole dancer, not bipolar." What's with that bitch? Who told her she was allowed to be funny? 

  • Did you see Cassandra flinch when Brittany put her head on her shoulder?

  • Curtis looked awfully fey in the Red Room with that tank top t-shirt.


Episode 26 (Saturday, August 5): Watersports

Tonight I learned that Eddie pisses on other guys in the shower. Here's a relevant limerick:

There once was a guy on Big Brother
Along with a stripper, a roofer, a mother
When beer flowed free
He's just had to pee
So he watered the lawn like no other

CBS is slowly teaching America to hate Karen. Thank god. I've been saving my money, eating Spaghetti-o's and walking to work, to have enough for the day when Karen gets nominated. That bitch is toast, even if I have to bankroll the whole operation myself.

Compare Brittany whining about her schoolgirl crush and Jordan lying in bed, rubbing her leg against Josh's crotch. Which do you thank makes for must-see TV? I will ask once again: What was America thinking?

The axis is forming against Josh. Both the teeny boppers and gay America, though, LOVE him. There's no way in hell he'll be voted out.

  • Brittany "I'm not an idiot": Ummmmm.....yes, you are. You're not just an idiot, you're a horny, immature idiot.

  • If Josh is a genius, I wonder what dumb people are like.

  • George, though, is a genius. A manipulative evil genius.


Episode 25 (Friday, August 4): Self-Love

Jordan's gone, so the only sex we're going to get is masturbation and Brittany stomping on Josh's balls. What was America thinking? Personally, though, I wouldn't mind seeing Cassandra bop a bit... 

CBS is quite determined to prove to us that this is the swingingest show in primetime. Eddie the equal-opportunity flasher, Josh the orgasm-giver, Brittany ready to do it all when the time is right. This is an oversexed exciting bunch!  And now beauty queen Jamie is showing off her hot bikini bod. Who needs Jordan anyway?

Here's something from our message boards. Checking out Jamie in her bikini, though, I wouldn't describe her as the bovine queen myself: 

It's probably understandable that Whordan is jealous of the Cattle from Seattle. The only positive reinforcement Whordan ever received in her life (regarding her beauty) has been from the sleezy pits of barroom dancing, while the Cud Queen has received more "socially acceptable" affirmations of beauty. But, isn't it fitting that Miss MOOOOOOniverse would participate in a pageant that feminists decry as "Meat Markets"?? LOL!

Apparently, Karen is going to be getting letters from home, since George got some in response to the newspaper hoax. (Check out the fake newspapers, amazingly well done). What kind of crap is this? Let the bitch walk out the door if she's regretting how much she's humiliated her family. 

  • Ummmm...Josh....there's a word for women who have orgasms every time: fakers.

  • Eddie has such self-control. Most men are suckers for horny lonely girls begging for good night kisses. I guess Britanny has just cried wolf one too many times. 


Episode 23 (Wednesday, August 2): Bye bye Jordan

Who woulda thunk it? I guess America's puritan instincts won out after all. Evil stripper girl must go.

In her honor, here's a user-submitted limerick:

Please vote for Jordan the skank
So she'll have little cash left in the bank
A 99-cent fee
Is your guarantee
That she soon be on the pages of "Swank"
-the_dude_behind_this

I'm watching the live feed, which I rarely do. Karen is crying again, worried what kind of impact this is having on her kids. How embarrassed they must be watching the drunken slobbering spectacle she made of herself. And apparently, she's even considering leaving the house. If only... Here's the letter her son sent us, if you haven't read it yet.


Episode 22 (Tuesday, August 1): This whole love bed thing

I guess we can't blame CBS for focusing on the most troubled and immature people on the show.  After all, any person who interacts normally with others just wouldn't make for good TV.

Damn, Josh has issues. Gaydars across the nation have been sounding alarms about Josh and Curtis, with most pointing towards Curtis as the queerest boy in the house. But could Josh be the man of the hour?

"Jordan I thought you were a pole dancer, not a bipolar dancer." Now that's a funny line.

  • Cassandra, "When I wake up I'll deal with you": First the sexy tank tops, now this. She really is the perfect woman.

  • Hmmm...Jordan wasn't just a stripper, she was an elite stripper. See, CBS is a classy station. If this were on Fox, we'd get a $25, BJ in the alleyway streetwalker.

  • Eddie is so noble, willing to let a hot stripper stay over at his house.


Episode 21 (Monday, July 31): Pass Me a Brewski

The show has degenerated into the junior high school drinking hour. At least if they'd pick adults, all that drinking might lead to group sex followed by hangovers and regret in the morning. As it is now, all we get is Brittany flitting about and cock-teasing Josh. Not to mention the fascinating discussion of whether Jamie has a crush on Eddie or not. I can imagine Jamie, all the while, thinking back to her sorority days, and the wild times at the frat house keg parties and wondering where CBS found this group of geeks who she never would have considered even looking at in the outside world.

Listening to them make up rhymes, it makes me sad. They'll have to wait until they get out of the house to read our limericks.

  • Karen can never be voted out because she does too much housework

  • Jordan's starting to get realistic. So far in her life, the only way she's gotten positive attention is by stripping. Why should things be different in the Big Brother house?


Episode 20 (Saturday, July 29): The "Brit the Twit" Half Hour

Watching that half-hour recap really reminded me of just how vapid and boring these people are. Just silly little whispering children playing in an under-equipped sandbox. 

If I hadn't seen her nekkid, there's no way I could bear to listen to Brittany's childish whining. At least she has the self-realization of how screwed up and needy she is. I used to think she was stuck in junior high school. Now I think she's stuck in kindergarten.  

Clearly, the cast members get a bit more amusing with a bit of alcohol in them. What CBS needs to do is up the ante a bit. Lock Brittany and George in a room, have them take x, and see how long it takes for Brittany's cuddling instinct to kick in. Or get Cassandra hopped up on speed and force her to redo the domino challenge. Now that would be must-see TV.

  • Eddie hopping about in a trash is a bit too comic-tragic for me.


New Naked Brittany

Check out this great new nekkid Brittany pic with lots of men standing around. And here are some more gratuitously nekkid girls unrelated to Big Brother. ;-)


Episode 19 (Friday July 28): Topple topple

CBS Executive 1: Looks like Jordan won't be rubbing Josh in the crotch any more. What are we going to do? Ratings are going to suffer.
CBS Executive 2: We can always kill a chicken.
CBS Executive 1: No, no. We already did that, people will get wise to us. Anyway, sex sells much better than violence. 
CBS Executive 2: OK, let's just get them all to jump around in the pool. Maybe someone's top or bottoms will fall off.

I gotta give them credit, though, the domino challenge is in-line with the sadistic spirit of the show. 

For those who missed it, someone broke Big Brother security, launching tennis balls into the back yard that contained fake press releases, one of which criticized George for leaving his family. Apparently, this freaked George out, enough that he was considering bolting from the house. In an effort to keep him there, Big Brother got some letters for him to read to keep him from bolting. It's absolutely amazing that CBS has decided to cover this whole thing up, breaking the house rules by giving outside contact, and in the process influencing the outcome of the game. Where did I get all this inside dope? Our message boards, of course.

  • Josh is some masterful player. Showing his sensitive side with those crocodile tears. All of America is swooning at the thought of his soft insides. 

  • Ever wondered what could drive someone to become a stripper? Watch six days a week and find just how psychologically screwed up you need to be.  

  • Almost no Karen tonight. What a relief. Maybe CBS did a focus group, noticed the nausea and headaches she caused, and decided to give her less air time.


Episode 18 (Thursday July 27): Player Hater

Like I said, Josh will have a great career giving lectures on how to pick up women. Of course, the first thing he's going to tell you is to not let your conquests compare notes. You gotta give him a pass on this one, though; BB house is a special case. And the fact is, Josh's goal isn't to score with the girls in the house. He has half of America in his sights, all of whom get to see him half-naked, hear him describe his awesome manhood, and watch three women fight over him.

The problem is, it appears that the sex action is about to fizzle out for good. CBS is in deep trouble. 

  • Weepy-eyed Karen, "I wanna leave if it's going to be like this": Bitch tease. She's not going anywhere.

  • Curtis is so self-aware in some ways, but he still can't keep himself from being so damn obnoxious. Go figure.

  • Note to Curtis: Next time a woman asks you to put your head in your lap, as she strokes your hair with her right hand, check her left one for a knife about to stab you in the back


Episode 17 (Wednesday, July 26): Goodbye Curtis

Well, we've learned one thing: stay out of the prediction business. Somehow, our personal hatred for Karen didn't transmit through the ether to influence the house members. We will be happy to bid farewell to Curtis, however, as will most of America. If only to put an end to Josh teasing him about penis size, it'll be good to see him go.

  • Brittany's getting an "I like you vibe" from Josh. That's some kind of confused virginal projection thing, I guess.

  • Josh's rationalization is sickening. What an arrogant son-of-a-bitch. Somehow, I think George and his family would gladly sacrifice some time apart for a cool half million. Of course, the real reason he nominated George is that he knew full well that George wouldn't be voted off.

  • Jaime is such a phony bitch. The dice just randomly chose two people she wants out. What dumb luck, huh...

  • Curtis really was a bit too freaked out by Jordan's gender-bending. 


Episode 16 (Tuesday, July 25): The catty bitch half-hour

This is reality TV. People really are that petty, jealous and silly. Oh, it's so much fun to be back in junior high school...  And Jordan fits perfectly the psycho-shizo-attention-starved stripper stereotype. They should retitle the show "How to pick up a stripper in 10 easy steps." Josh can go on the lecture circuit afterwards, explaining his proven techniques.

It's amazing watching George do his Of Mice and Men impersonation. It's just with chickens and not rabbits. [BigBrother2000 has an eerily similar take on this; don't know when they posted their analsysis.] I can't wait, though, for him to rip off the dumb-dumb mask in diabolical laughter and expose his true self. Either he's the biggest dullard or the most clever con-man on Earth... 

  • Jordan "I'm like into depth": yeah, about thumb-nail deep

  • Karen to Brittany "You bring comedy to this place": I guess that accent does have some comic effect, but it wore off long ago

  • Cassandra seems to be the only person aware that the viewers decide who gets kicked off. And she sure looks good in those tank tops.


Episode 15 (Monday, July 24): One big incestuous family

CBS is in some kind of crazy denial. They finally get the swinging sex fest they so hoped for, and now they're trying to put a wholesome face on things with a mock trial. If they were being honest, they'd have a body-painting contest instead. Or at least a trial about something interesting, like sodomy laws or the constitutional right to strip.

These people are way too dim-witted to finesse the voting-off process. Considering how widely disliked Eddie is, I think it's a bit premature to talk about who should be the final four. Not to mention Karen. She needs to spend her time putting a motherly guilt trip on people, not shit-talking and backbiting.

  • Jordan sure does dress for success

  • Brittany "two weeks into it and I'm already screwed up"; honey, I hate to break it to you, but you were plenty screwed up long before this

  • Karen is some confused  bitch. She slams Jaime for not defending her against William, but excuses Jordan? Talk about revisionist history. 

  • Curtis better stop laughing at his own jokes or somebody's going to strangle him.


Episode 13 (Friday, July 21): Bring on the sex

As Josh rises, so will ratings. Americans don't like violence and tension on TV unless it is resolved within the hour. They have enough trouble in everyday life. What they want is sex, and lots of it. Looks like they're going to get it.

Survivorsucks.com is getting a lot of press for predicting something that has already happened. We're going to do them one better and predict the future. Who's next? Karen. Jordan has been rehabilitated, and the whole cast has an excuse for axing Karen: she has issues at home to deal with. Guilt-free vote. Plus, America hates her. Karen's a goner. Mark our words. 

  • Did you see Curtis cop a feel on Jordan? "Give me a hug, baby, I'm gonna miss you soooooooooooooo much."

  • Curtis needs to learn to: 1. keep his mouth shut about who he thinks wants to do what with whom 2. throw a football. 

  • Cassandra's looking good in that top


Episode 12 (Thursday, July 20): A flirt and a fighter

I'm sure William is going to make a bee-line for this web site. Welcome, William. We update every day. Check out our message boards.

What did we learn tonight?

  • Black men are sex-crazed violent maniacs. At least, CBS is on a mission to make you believe that.

  • Likely as not, you have nothing to worry about cheating on your wife/girlfriend. She's probably in so much denial, even if she sees it on videotape, she'll make up excuses for you.

  • It's OK to make fun of "crippled" people on national TV.

Did you hear Julie Chen's Freudian slip about her girlfriend?

Dr. Drew's a whore.

Someone posted on the message board that since all the cast members went out the front door, they're all disqualified.  I agree. Technically, the show is already cancelled. 


Episode 11 (Tuesday, July 18): Massage oil or baby oil?

CBS executives must be pissing in their pants. Finally, some sex on display. The closer this show gets to VoyeurDorm.com, the higher the rating are going to be. Funny how that massage oil popped up out of nowhere... They just better make sure Jordan and Brittany stay around, otherwise, they're going to have to cancel the show.

They're also realizing that with such a bunch of dullards, they need to create some excitement. Shame they had to go behind closed doors to really make fun of each other behind close. Guess they realize there's money at stake here.

  • With the position Brittany and Curtis were in, I just hope he doesn't poke her eye out

  • I guess Brittany just got tried of Josh not poking her eye out

  • What kind of mimicry game is that if someone isn't hopping around on one foot?


Episode 10 (Monday, July 17): Take it all off

I guess CBS figured that Americans get freaked out by watching open, menacing conflict. So today's episode was designed to rehabilitate William. They succeeded, at least in lessening the cringe factor a bit.

We got an interesting email, I wonder if anyone knows the answer to this:

If William walks out BEFORE he gets kicked out on Thursday will Jordan automatically get the door also?  This would  eliminate two deserving weakies in one week.  Now that's a good move.

'I have to stress one point though. CBS desperately wants to keep their stripper; they need the 18-35 male demographic after all. Expect to see Jordan on for a long time to come; CBS will portray her positively to guarantee that America learns to love her. 

  • Brittany's such a stripper expert! She should be writing the book, not Jordan. Her words resonate so much more since I've seen her nekkid

  • Good thing Jordan never got implants. Jumping up and down like that, she would have surely injured herself.

  • Curtis is too clever by a half. 


Episode 9 (Saturday, July 15): Can't we all just get along?

As if it weren't dull enough the first time... These recap shows are torture. Thank god for VCRs.

Things didn't get any better in the second half with the lame contest. Personally, I find it interesting to watch people throw spears to see if they can start using toilet paper instead of banana leaves. It lacks a certain tension watching people play trivial pursuit so they can buy saffron for their rice.

CBS, though, did succeed in manipulating things to raise the temperature a bit. Not only did William go last, he got questions that he was likely to know. For dramatic effect, I guess, but this is more like the comedy of the absurd. There was more bleeping going on than an episode of South Park.

The problem is, the nastiness is just that, nasty. It's not really entertaining, it's just grating.

  • Karen is a walking anti-smoking billboard. Nicorette should advertise on the show.

  • If I were a one-legged man, I'd be a bit more careful who I picked fights with

  • I can't look at Brittany the same now that I've seen her nekkid 


Episode 8 (Friday, July 14): Go home, all of you

At the end of the episode, when Karen reached over to hug Jordan, I almost hurled. The more I see Karen, the more I think her kids are better off being locked away in the BB house. After all, it's either that or a mental asylum, and at least this way, they don't have to visit her on Sundays..

Looks like this show is changing from a merely dull waste of time to a racist propaganda piece, all carefully orchestrated by CBS casting. They picked the "angriest black man" they could possibly find, and they're getting the obscene spectacle they were hoping for. We're getting lots of emails on this subject, black people furious about how network TV is fucking them yet again. It's worse this time, though, because this show is supposed to be "reality TV". 

  • Brittany "I feel like an icky person": I think someone forgot to tell her this is just a dumb TV show. Or maybe they did, and she couldn't understand anything not said in Fargo dialect.

  • Karen "I don't like anybody to be hurt": Yeah, except for your husband and children.


Yawn: The Big Brother Scandals (7/15/00)

Lots of emails about the surprising revelations about the BB cast members! William is a Jew-hating, violent militant! George killed a man! Read all about it. Talk about fishing for ratings. I wonder what CBS has up its sleeve when things get really desperate.


Episode 7 (Thursday, July 13): Go home, all of you

It's such a pleasure to see Julie Chen's achingly cheery face as a front for this sadistic spectacle. Can you imagine being Karen's children, watching her viciously attack their father in front of tens of millions of viewers? And then to see your father crying on television, in so much pain in the face of this intense humiliation?

I was also glad to see Jaime's overly made-up sorority-girl-beauty pageant friend share that well-rehearsed commentary on Jaime's commendable spirit. What an angel Jaime must be. 

At least it was interesting to see Karen's husband. He should count his blessings to be finally rid of that...tremendously giving wife and mother. 

  • Did you see the extra lipstick Jaime was wearing for the live broadcast?

  • Jordan is one confused girl. Getting almost voted out is going to put her into a spiral, especially after William gets kicked out. Though think of the tips she's going to get when she goes back to work!

  • Mega "it's not our fault that they hate us" William, I'll let you in on a little secret: all of America hates you


More reader comments  (7/13/00)  

We have message boards so you can speak your mind. But if you have something particularly clever or interesting to say, send it to me at bigbrother@mymiserablelife.com or use the form on the bottom of this page.

The "That's It?" comment made by one of the cast members after waiting 1 hour to find out who is voted off basically says it all. The people are Boring, The premise is Boring, No Steak no Sizzle. Maybe they could split them into 2 tribes called Pagong and Tagi would spice the show up. (Joe, Canada, Age 23)

Based on Monday's episode; I think it's amazing that with ALL THOSE cameras everywhere, absolutely NO privacy at all - someone was STILL able to "choke their chicken!" (Rayven, Dayton, Ohio, Age 29)


Episode 6 (Tuesday, July 11): Is this all there is?

Well, we've finally seen some nasty bickering, back-stabbing, and even a few tears. This is what we've all been waiting for (besides hot sex in front of the chickens). And what a disappointment it was. It's like a rehash of the Real World, just with uglier and duller cast members. 

The problem with Big Brother is that, since they're stuck in the house, they'll never have anything real to fight about. Tensions will surely rise, but they won't be about anything substantial. Just petty and nonsensical. 

Cast notes:

  • Brittany is showing just a little too much skin 

  • We sure are getting a lot of "I hate William" emails lately...


Episode 5 (Monday, July 10): Chicken sacrifice 

Can you imagine the top-secret meeting of CBS executives? "Ratings are dropping fast. We've gotta kill a cast member." "Kill a cast member! Isn't that a bit harsh? Let's just break a chicken's neck, see how that goes. If it doesn't work, we can drown one of the knuckleheads next week."

Cast notes:

  • Karen is so horny and lonely she was jumping at the chance to lip-lock the chicken and give her CPR. 

  • I'm afraid Josh is gonna get some. I just hope they don't play that cheesy love music in the background.


More reader comments  (7/10/00)  

This comes from someone who claims to know Karen very well. Can't verify it, so take it for what it's worth: 

Karen has had several affairs, her kids told me they see her more now on TV than they ever did in person.  Only one of the children live with her and she is in high school.  the other 3 are in college.  her performance in the first episode is the fakest thing I've ever seen.

And some more comments:

The casting director of Big Brother has to be the worst mistake CBS has made in it's long running history on TV.... Wake me up when it's over...zzzzzz (Eric, Mississippi, Age 22)

Why did they pick such ugly morons? George and that mom chick need to get it on. She is annoying, but compared to his wife she is hot. They need to get rid of the farm animals: the chickens and the cow beauty queen. (Donna, New Jersey, Age 35)

William, you are in reality a true minority, a truly ghetto brother, a far cry from most of us truly working black men. So go ahead and reinforce all the wrong black stereotypes white people have of us. Note to his girlfriend, are you kidding me with this guy? He was not in the house the first night without trying some thing of a sexual nature with the sleeping arrangements. Wake up woman this guy is a stinking fucking JJ player. (Chase, Boston, Age 35)


The lights are on but nobody's watching (7/10/00)

The novelty sure does wear off fast:

The freefall continued with Friday's show (8.6 million/6.1 rating) and bottomed out on Saturday's recap episode, which pulled in just 6.5 million viewers--less than a third of Wednesday's debut numbers. And the show suffered the ultimate indignity: it lost to a repeat of an ABC TV-movie called Ground Control.


Episode 4 (Saturday): Dullness digest (7/8/00)  

Apparently, Big Brother's true design is to promote CBS's flailing  morning show. You see, it's so sleep-enducingly boring that viewers are sure to get a good night's rest, leaving plenty of time in the morning to watch TV.

Glad we got to see a recap of the dullest moments of the last three episodes! Could you imagine the shame it would be if someone missed out on seeing the great potato caper?

I can think of a few things it'd be interesting to see plaster casts of; the faces of 10 nitwits isn't one of them. I guess when each person is kicked out, the remainder will form a circle and piss on that person's mask. A kind of golden goodbye shower..

Cast notes:

  • William is such a fool. Imagine the props he'd get for deflowering Brittany on national TV. So narrow-minded, making a bee-line for Jamie...

  • Can you imagine hating your husband so much that you're willing to endure torture for 3 months just for the chance to tell the world what an asshole he is?


Episode 3: Us boring silly fools (7/7/00)  

It was just so intense, watching them build a potato clock. The suspense, could they do it? Could they get the potatoes in the plastic holes? And the terror. What if they couldn't, and didn't know exactly what time it was? I'm surprised CBS was willing to put them in such a precarious position.

The sexuality was also off the chart. I mean, what man hasn't dreamed of watching a bitter,  middle-aged woman play dress-up? It could only have been more erotic if she'd needed the wig to cover up her bald spot.

Cast notes:

  • Pink elephant George isn't just an idiot, he's a blubbering idiot

  • If Karen's husband is such an asshole, why did she leave her kids alone with him for 3 months?

  • Jordan needs to start stripping in the boy's room; no man's going to vote out a nekkid girl


Reader comments  (7/7/00)  

Isn't somebody out there going to defend this dog!?!?!?!

Let's push the 2 other networks (Fox needs no help) to air  shows like this right away, to make sure we will spend  the summer outside... (Zoby la Mouche)

In Oregon we have places to live where there's no privacy, people watch you all the time, and cameras are everywhere... We call them prisons.
(Mad Ross, Portland, Age 40)

Why would anyone want to watch someone else's miserable life, when we can be enjoying our own? (Andy, Santa Monica, Age 30)

 If I was in the house I would rip out the throats of Miss Washington, Miss Nosering, and Mrs. Mom.  Their voices drive me insane.  I have been watching the live streams but have to turn the volume off whenever those three speak. (Bob, LA, Age 33) 


Eligibility rules  (7/7/00)  

Just reading through the eligibility rules. I can see it now, pink elephant George shaving "vote for me" in his belly hair:  

You must not now be a candidate for public office and must agree not to become one until after the initial broadcast of all programs in which you appear, if selected as a contestant. 


Episode 2: 10 dullards gather round the lemon tree  (7/6/00)  

I've got a secret coded message for you: SKCUS REHTORB GIB

Talk about stultifyingly slow-moving TV. At least the relentless ads for upcoming CBS granny shows served as welcome relief from the interminable dullness. We'd better see some sex or some fistfights fast, or this show is going down the tubes.

Cast notes:

  • Pink elephant George oughta think about shaving his back

  • If Brittany says "like" or "totally" one more time in that Fargo accent, someone's going to grab her piercing and rip her tongue out 

  • I'm sure CBS is providing William with his Magnums, just in case


Washington Post: "CBS's Black Eye"  (7/6/00)  

Tom Shales, top media critic of the Washington Post, pours on the venom:

The new "reality" program, a sadistic excuse for an anthropological experiment, premiered last night on the network... The whole thing has been so relentlessly flogged and plugged, however, that viewers would be justified in feeling sick of it already


Episode 1: Introduction  (7/5/00)  

Seven strangers picked to live in a house... I forgot, that was the Real World. Blow the conk shell and eat a rat. Ummmm, I guess that's Survivor. This is new, this is exciting, this is the ultimate in Eurotrash TV. This is Big Brother!

Those poor souls, being tortured and humiliated for our amusement. At least they won't have uber-cheery Julie Chen's mindless grin to annoy them on a daily basis. 

What do we have to look forward to? Muscle-flexing contests? Chicken chasing tournaments? Or maybe the show will just seem like a prolonged vapidness support group?


The Cast  (7/5/00)  

Jamie: If I smile enough and try to look pretty, maybe you'll go away 

George: Hey cutie, looking for a father figure type?

Eddie: Shut up or I'm gonna knock you on the head with my crutch

Josh: I'm Rico Suave, break out the condoms

Cassandra: Parlez vous francais you stupid annoying bitch

Jordan: Strip-to-my-loo

Curtis: Praise Jesus, will you be my girlfriend?

Karen: Oh, the delicious pleasure of child abandonment

Brittany: What do you mean I'm dull? My nose ring PROVES I'm totally coolio

William: Go ahead, feel how smooth my head is 


Who we are (7/5/00)

We are devoted to explaining the why and how of Big Brother: why it sucks, and how much. As America's collective mind rots away night-by-night, we'll be there to shine the light of reason, and contempt, on this monstrous example of popular American culture.